Reconciliation Testimonies

Lord... show me what I cannot see

I grew up with no meaningful relationship with my father, who never validated me.  My mother knew nothing about rearing children and so set no boundaries.  I was also sexually awakened by a man who molested me when I was about 5 or 6.  Other children exposed me to things that were inappropriate at that age as well.  This was a recipe for disaster waiting to happen.  I made a lot of wrong choices in my teen years and went into adulthood totally unrestrained.

Although I was saved at age 7, my parents were unbelievers.  I had a heart toward God but until I became desperate because of behavior that was out of control I was well on the road to destroying my life.  When I called out to Him in desperation, yielding myself completely to Him, I was delivered and changed forever.  I was filled with the Spirit and experienced joy unspeakable and full of glory.

As time went on I realized that I still had issues that I couldn’t seem to get past in relationships.  It was through the Ministry of Reconciliation Encounters  that I finally saw how much my life had been impacted by my childhood.  I saw that even though the things that had hurt me were unintentional, they had wounded me nonetheless.  In order to pull out the roots once and for all I had to confront my past.  I had to learn to forgive from my heart.  I had to see what was really in my heart - bitterness, resentment, hatred, and more.  That was my sin and it was far worse than anything anybody had done in offending me.  That was the key step to my being able to forgive from the heart.  That’s what broke me and brought me to the foot of the cross for genuine repentance and cleansing. 

What a glorious feeling to be free at last and to now have the tools to apply to any future offenses.  I continue to pray, Lord, show me what I cannot see.

Barbara Crockett

Letting go was my greatest freedom of choice...

For the first time in forty three years I feel no guilt and the smothering of shame!  I can finally breathe without the feeling of heaviness on my chest.  There’s no longer any part of my life hidden in darkness.  Through His grace and mercy, Jesus took every chain, shackle and burden while working healing and deliverance in me through the Ministry of Reconciliation and Encounters.

Previously my life, looking from the outside in, seemed to be one of the American dream marked with worldly success.  I was a successful business woman with a beautiful family, serving as an officer in the Army Reserves.  A born-again believer since the age of six, I actively pursued the Lord while serving in church as an adult.  My life, from the outside, appeared to have everything; everything, but God’s peace. 

Now that Truth reigns in my life, I discovered my life was a picture of denial.  I was bound so tightly by Satan’s schemes, coupled with my choices and ignorance, as well as generational iniquities that I picked up.  I was dying on the inside from bondage.  My mind was being slowly stolen by the enemy’s lies. 

I discovered that my mind kept painting versions of reality to disguise my past.  The truth told, I was sexually abused and it started while I was still in the crib.  There were many blatant attacks against my innocence during my childhood that I repressed for forty years.  From the world’s standards, these overt attacks would be considered traumatic, but I believe it was the subtle ones that were the most damaging.  The labels, mindsets, and accusations bound me in invisible chains.  Sadly, I thought it was what made me strong.  I also assumed that everything in life was earned including love and my parents’ attention.  Taught to rationalize as a form of protection, there was nothing that I couldn’t talk myself into or reason out of my guilt.  I was consumed with the need to control and motivated by fear of losing it.  As a child, I vowed not to ever give it up. 

Looking back, I realize that letting go was my greatest freedom of choice.  My emancipation began when I decided to surrender to Jesus.  When I decided to forgive and seek forgiveness for my sins, and confess my sins before others, the healing came.  Slowly and tenderly, my Savior peeled back the layers of the devil’s lies and rid my temple of the enemy’s strongholds and high places.  Jesus’ light streamed into the darkest places of my soul that were hidden, even from me. 

It’s liberating to know that when you let go, you can only fall into the hand of Jesus who is holding you; and He is in the hand of God.  From my perspective, that’s a double-fisted punch in the face of the devil.  That makes me very happy!  God’s Word is true.  Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed!  To God be the glory, I’m a freed slave!  I serve a mighty God!

Michelle Chudy

Rage to Restoration

As far back as I can remember my life has been overshadowed by jealousy, suspicion, and envy.  Three and a half years ago I became unable to hide just how bad it had become any longer.

I checked our computer filter by typing in something about sex to make sure the filter was working.  It was, a week later I was passing by Dave on the computer and saw under Google what I had typed in, only I had completely forgotten that I had tried to access that address.  I allowed the enemy to work on my mind all night long until at three a.m. I was convinced that Dave had been looking at porn.  I got up and proceeded to scream and beat him while he was asleep.  He covered his face and kept saying over and over that I was wrong.  I beat him so hard that I heard my arm break, I could not stop finally it broke completely in two.  I calmly told Dave to take me to the hospital.  I awoke the next morning and suddenly remembered that what I saw under Google had not been from Dave but from me.

Like all the times before when I would fly into a rage, I repented with deep sorrow.  Dave quickly forgave me but was deeply hurt.  He looked like he did when he had a heart attack years before.  I knew God would forgive me but I felt he was disappointed in this part of me I could not control no matter how much I fasted, prayed, read my bible, rebuked, worshiped, or spoke in tongues.

I have a seven inch metal bar and six two inch long screws and a scar I see every day when I comb my hair, to remind me of what my life had become.  I once again vowed to gain victory in Christ.  I had short periods of time when I felt victorious.  When I was faced with a difficult circumstance, I could not consistently overcome.

I began fearing that God would give up on me.  I wondered if when a great revival came if He would pass our family by.  I began asking God almost every morning to not pass us by.  The things I struggled with assaulted me daily.  I tried to hide this from my family, but every Victoria’s Secret commercial that came on (even though my husband changed it so fast) made me feel like he had committed adultery.  It might have been a woman in church revealing cleavage, or passing a sleazy billboard it really didn’t matter what it was, I was hurt and angry.  I would try to control the rout Dave drove to work because of the signs he might see.  I would constantly think about not living in this painful world anymore.  I felt tormented.

We sat through Pastor Fortenberry’s teaching on the curse at Sunday school.  We knew we had to get to an Encounter.  I could not fathom what life could be like if I were not tormented daily with thoughts of jealousy, envy, suspicion, and hatred toward other women.  I always knew that God had a calling on my life to help women, I would ask God how I could ever do this for you when I hate them.

During the Encounter God revealed wounds in my life that opened a door for bitterness to take root.  All of the things He revealed, He healed.  God had truly restored what the enemy has stolen.  The weekend of November 2007, God made me clean, gave me a right mind, and purified my heart.  I now have a love and intimacy with my husband that can only come from complete trust.  I have a love for other women that can only come from God’s compassion.  The women I once hated and felt threatened by, I now find myself reaching out to.  I know their pain, I know the answer.  In the midst of my sin, God heard my cry, he didn’t pass my by.  He changed my life.  I have had test after test this past year, it’s all gone, and everyone in my family has seen the change.  Hallelujah!

Kathryn Ziebell